How to make friends in a new place
Tips on how to approach the everlasting problem of making friends when you move abroad
One of the biggest challenges when moving, is to make a social circle and eventually also some friends. This post includes tips on how to solve this problem.
The problem is the same whether you are moving within the same country or abroad. So, the tips listed in this post can be used in both cases1. Here is what you should expect to find in this post:
Prerequisites
Before going through the tips, there are a couple of things you need to know, regardless of how you try to make new friends:
You will need to be more of a "yes person", than a “no person”. That means that you should try to say yes when people are suggesting doing something with you. Or at least say yes more often than you say no. Saying repeatedly no, means that you will have fewer chances to connect with people. Also, if you are constantly shutting them down, they will eventually stop asking you to join them.
You should be prepared to spend a bit more money than usual. If you are trying to meet people and also saying yes to more things, you will probably end up going out more often. Whether that is for a coffee, a drink, a movie or dinner, your expenses will go a bit up. Nothing wrong with that, just something you should know beforehand.
Be culturally aware. The way you are used to interact with others, might not apply to your new location. Do not assume that everyone behaves like you and try to learn the dos and don’ts of the country, before you approach people with the intention of befriending them.
Now that we established the requirements, let’s go through the things that can help you make friends.
Start a new hobby
Starting a new hobby exposes you to a new set of people. On top of that, you get off to a great start, because you all share a common interest. I recently had a very good friend joining a drawing class. His reasoning was:
"I want to start a new hobby, something to motivate me to go out a bit more often. I like drawing and I can probably learn everything I need to know in YouTube. But I want to join a class mostly for the social aspect."
And so he did. He signed up for a drawing class and once a week, he joins a bunch of strangers in a small studio, to learn how to draw.
Did he meet new people? Yes.
Does he hang out with them? No, they didn’t really match.
But that is part of the game. We cannot know what the outcome will be before trying. We can only increase the probability of meeting people with whom we might click.
Join a sports team
"Isn't joining a sports team similar to starting a hobby?"
No. And I ‘ll explain.
Team sports have three additional advantages over the rest of the hobbies:
First of all, you join a team. That means you need to learn to cooperate. You have to work together to achieve a common goal. In drawing, the skills of the person next to you don't affect your result. In football, not only they do, but if you do not cooperate, it doesn't matter how good each individual player is.
Secondly, team sports involve competition. You struggle together. You go through the same intense situations; both the good and the bad. There is a different level of connection when you sweat together to beat another team, than when you ask the person next to you to pass the pencil sharpener.
Finally -and this is a big part that goes unnoticed: locker rooms. It is difficult to explain to someone who has never participated in team sports, the effect that locker rooms have on a team. They can either make or break it. In the locker room you are exhausted, relaxed but also vulnerable. You have fights, but also laughs. Depending on your teammates’ characters, you will either build a strong bond, or not talk to each other. In either case, you will become very good friends with the people you do get along.
Some of my best friends come from basketball. I will always call them to meet up whenever I am back in Greece.
When it comes to making friendships, team sports are hobbies on steroids.
Use a dating app
No, I am not suggesting to become the creepy person who lies to people to get in bed with them. Nor date people hoping to make a circle of friends.
I am suggesting to use the power of reach that (dating) apps provide, to make friends. All you need to do, is make it very clear in your bio2, that you are only looking for friends.
Important note: if you do that, you also have to honor it. If you lie about the fact you are looking for friends, you fall right into the aforementioned creep category.
Some apps even have a built-in option. Bumble for example has Bumble BFF, that is meant to connect people who are looking for friendships. Exactly because the option is built-in, it is probably your best chance for success: all the people using it, are there for the same reason as you.
Sure, it can be awkward. Probably even more so if you are a guy; we tend to want to maintain a tough facade. Meeting someone you aspire to become friends with, implies you are in need and vulnerable. Especially if the app you used to find them calls them your bff. Yikes.
I have used bumble BFF once. I remember my girlfriend teasing me:
“Oh today is your date. Have fun!”
To be fair, it was fun. It was also a bit awkward. We never made it to a second date, but I would try Bumble BFF again, if I moved to a place where I knew no one.
In any case, you will have to suck it up and get through the awkward part. Both of you are adults trying to make a friend, so the sooner you admit that, the better the chances that it actually works out.
Search for expat Facebook groups
Expat Facebook groups exist in every city. One of the standard themes in those groups, are people looking for friends. Even if you are not an expat and have just moved from another city, those groups provide a good opportunity to meet people from other countries. Keep in mind that since they are focused on expats, the common language will probably be English.
Similarly to expat groups, it is common to have groups per nationality, i.e. Greeks in Copenhagen. Those can also act as a starting point to meet people. However, I consider those groups a double-edged sword:
Meeting people from your own country, means that you speak the same language and have a similar background, hence you can connect more easily. However, it can also be a trap, where you end up socializing only with your own countrymen, just because it is the easiest thing to do. And if you do that, you forfeit one of the greatest benefits of expat life: meeting other cultures. So my advice is, use those groups, but use them wisely. It would be a pity to miss the chance to meet people from different places, in exchange for not leaving your comfort zone.
Other Facebook groups
Apart from expat groups, Facebook provides a variety of other groups that might come handy. Pretty much any group pertaining to a hobby, can be used to meet people. I have seen people in hiking groups posting their hiking plan for the weekend, asking others to join.
Note: remember to stay safe. In the example above, maybe it is safer to go hiking with a large group of strangers and not alone with just one more person you do not know.
Live with flatmates
When moving to a new country, you might want to consider moving in a shared flat. Unless you absolutely want to live alone, it might be a good idea to get some connections right from the start. Having flatmates offers two advantages:
1. You meet people from the moment you set foot on the country. It might be lonely at the beginning, so even having someone to share a beer in front of the tv, might make a difference. You will also get chances to meet their friends and who knows, maybe they become your friends as well.
2. They can help you with the every-day details. When you move to a new place, there are tons of things to figure out. Things that you cannot know, nor solve, before you actually move. Websites or apps that locals use, stores that you need to know of and places you can get good offers.
As an example, Denmark has its own transportation app. Apart from the standard information that you get from google maps, it provides information about delays and prices, depending on the type of ticket. If you are a student in Copenhagen, there is also a monthly transportation card that you can get with a large discount. The chances that you know about the transportation app of a country of 5.5 million inhabitants before you move there, are slim. But it is probably one of the first things people will tell you to download.
Similarly, there are apps that offer discounts for bike rentals. If you don’t know about them, you might pay much higher price renting a bike from a bike shop.
You should of course look for flatmates that do not just want to split rent, otherwise your relationship will be simply transactional. Usually people will already mention their expectations in their ad, so you will know whether their needs fit yours.
Go to a Meetup
If you haven’t heard of it, Meetup is an app to create groups and arrange gatherings. It is sometimes used for professional networking, but mostly to make connections on a personal level. Some meetups are organized around a thing, like a stand-up comedy night, or beer tasting. Others do not have any excuse, other than to connect.
The benefit of Meetup is that everyone is on the exact same situation. So if you go to an "expats who just moved to Copenhagen" meetup, you are most likely to also meet people who are looking to make some new friends. Similarly, you can find groups that are created around a specific hobby.
Disclaimer: I am not a big fan of meetups. I find them too stiff. However, that doesn't mean that they should not be mentioned in this post.
Join a club
This tip might be too specific to Denmark, but it is worth mentioning anyways.
Denmark has a deep-rooted club culture. In 2017, 90% of the population was a member in at least 1 club3. Don't think only of sports clubs. Those are only a part of the whole club universe. There are board game clubs, book clubs, parenting clubs and whatever else you can imagine. Basically any interest you have, you can turn it into a club. If you cannot find a club you like, you can always start your own.
A friend of mine is a member in a women’s only whiskey club. Not only they organize nights to enjoy their favorites whiskeys, but once a year, they plan a trip to their favorite whiskey destinations. Pretty cool if you ask me.
Just like with hobbies, joining a club gives you a head-start when making friends, since there will be at least one topic you are all interested in.
Honorable mention: How to win friends and influence people, by D. Carnegie
Before reading the book, I was somehow negatively prejudiced. I was expecting a guide on how to become a... kiss ass4 and a manipulator. I was wrong.
If I were to give this book an alternative title, it would be "a guide on how to be a better human". This book will help you be better at your interactions with others, not by flattery -as the author will point out multiple times; but by showing sincere interest. Simple examples include being a good listener, or trying to point out the positives instead of the negatives5.
I don't want to misguide you: it will not make you better at meeting people. If you were considering reading it to make connections, this might not be the right read for you. But it will help you not being selfish, and bring the best out of others, and you. In that sense, the connections you make will be more meaningful because you will be more considerate.
Friendly suggestion: try to avoid Sheldon’s interpretation of the book:
Do you have any tips about making friends in a new place? What helped you meet people whenever you moved?
Things become easier if you move for studies. The reason is that, you are introduced to an environment which is new for many of the people there. And that means that, just like you, they are looking to meet people.
Bio, profile, description or whatever each app calls it.
I am pretty sure that, on average every citizen in Denmark is a member in more than two clubs. However, I could not find a source for that, so I did not include it in the post.
Excuse the profanity but sometimes nothing explains the situation better than a curse.
The book was first released in 1936 and there will be moments where the expressions used by the author, will give that away. It actually makes it somehow cute.
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I belong to a couple of clubs, and every time I go to my book club, a friend asks me: are you going to the wine club again? I keep insisting we meet primarily for the books, but he doesn't believe me. :)
Honourable mention: volunteering!