Real expat stories #1 - Valentina
Insights from Valentina on life abroad
Welcome to Real Expat Stories! In these series of posts, expats from around the world, answer questions about their personal journey, their struggles and experiences1. Some of the participants are fellow Substackers2. Others are friends of mine. They all share a common characteristic: At some point in their lives, they moved out of their home country3. They became expats4.
Valentina’s story
Today’s story comes from an Italian friend -we ‘ll call her Valentina5. Valentina comes from Ancona, Italy and has been living in Copenhagen, Denmark, for the better part of the last decade. She also belongs to the millennial age group.
Apart from minor edits, below you can find Valentina’s answers unfiltered. Enjoy!
If you would also like to participate to Real Expat Stories, please shoot me a message!
When was your first expat experience i.e., when did you first moved out of your country for more than just a vacation trip?
In 2013 I moved to Huelva, a small city in Andalusia, Spain, for 9 months. I was part of the well-known European mobility program Erasmus, that allowed me to do part of my bachelor degree there. I think I went back to Italy once or twice during that period -I did for sure go back around Christmas time.
Was there a moment you remember catching yourself thinking: "I would like to move abroad"?
Not really, but I think that my experience in Spain definitely broadened my views and changed my perspective. Suddenly, the world started to look a lot bigger and I started to play with the idea that I could live in other countries too.
When you first moved, was it because you wanted to experience your new destination, or because you wanted to leave your home country?
I would say both, but the strongest reason was definitely to leave my small hometown. The Erasmus program was the perfect opportunity to do just that. The destination was selected based on the likelihood of getting accepted. Huelva is definitely not the most attractive city and was not sought after by many students. It was also a good opportunity to quickly improve my Spanish.
For me, the most important thing was to leave my hometown and my university for a while and experience something different, meet new people and immerse myself in a new culture.
What is different about your current location, compared to what you were used to growing up?
A lot of things. Copenhagen is a European capital and a lot bigger than Ancona. That means that there are always things to do, no matter what you're into. There is a big expat community. The city has a great public transport network and people are more open-minded. Another difference is that Copenhagen is flat, compared to Ancona that is very hilly.
I also feel safer in Copenhagen. As a woman, I am not afraid walking alone in the city at night.
On the downside, Copenhagen is more touristy and the weather is definitely worse during most of the year.
What do you like and what do you dislike about your current location?
The positive list includes the following:
how safe the city is;
owning a car is not necessary. The city is built for biking and the public transport is reliable. Combined, those two take away the need for a car.
The healthy work-life balance and how easy it is to lead an active and healthy lifestyle.
The Danish social security system;
the high degree of income equality;
the efficiency of the public sector; that is a result of the bureaucracy being, to a large extend, digitalized.
On the other hand, I dislike:
the cold, long, dark winters;
not being able to speak Danish -the language is really difficult to master;
customer service in most shops. Danes are not very service-minded and that means most places are practically self-service. On top of that, most of them are not into small talk and that only makes the customer experience worse;
the fact that eating out is so expensive;
the hygge racism of Danes.
Hygge racism? What is that?
Danes are selectively racist; we are all somehow afraid of the cultures that are very different from us. Danes feel a bit superior towards those countries and cultures. Hygge racism is how they may seemingly make innocent jokes about other nationalities, as if it was ok to do that, while in reality it is just toned down racism. That is discrimination. It is the perpetuation of stereotypes and jokes about other cultures.
I have also witnessed this type of racism in the workplace. Similarly, my fiancée -who also does not come from Denmark- feels like he is treated differently when he has a long beard, versus when he is shaved.
I think that now with all the DEI6 efforts, most Danes have realized that this is not appropriate.
What do you like and what do you dislike about your home country?
I like the culture, the weather, the stunning and varied nature, the amazing and cheap food, the warmth of the people.
Unfortunately, the list of things I dislike is also long: the corruption of the politicians; the bureaucracy and the inefficiency; the individualistic way of thinking; the lack of opportunities for the younger generations; and finally the criminality and violence against women.
What are some habits that you have picked up while living abroad, that are now part of your life?
Living in Australia taught me to eat an excessive amount of peanut butter.
Living in Denmark taught me to bike and use the public transport whenever possible. I am still working on winter bathing and sauna/cold plunging. They are popular in Scandinavia, but I still haven’t got used to them.
If you were to change countries again, where would you like to live?
Portugal, where my fiancée is from. Or Australia, where I have lived before and where I have some family. Maybe Italy... who knows.
Is there anything pulling you back home? Something that would make you go back?
I would like to be close to my parents when they get older and if I ever have kids, I would like them to feel Italian. On the other hand, all the things I previously mentioned that I dislike about Italy, are pushing me away from the country.
Thoughts on Valentina’s story
Two things stood out to me in Valentina’s answers.
The first was, how much she values feeling safe. In this context, safety does not refer to financial stability, or safety from natural disasters. It refers to physical safety. Feeling safe to walk in a dark alley on your way home at night; or not worry that you might be groped inside a full bus on your way to work. It is a kind of safety that men sometimes -myself included- do not really think about.
The second is hygge racism.
Unfortunately, racism is not a concept unknown to Denmark. Neither is national pride, that often crosses the border to national arrogance. But I hadn’t heard the term hygge racism before: The subtle art of camouflaging insults, into innocent banter.
Hygge, that was shortly explained in this post, is all about creating a safe and comfortable environment. Within that environment, anyone who points our racist behaviour, and hence causes an inconvenience, is considered a party-pooper.
Do you agree with Valentina’s answers? What do you appreciate the most in the country you live in?
If you liked this post, you might also like:
For the sake of conciseness, not all their replies will be included.
If you are interested to participate, just shoot me a message!
The term home country refers to the country of origin, not the place you call home. I only use it to avoid confusion between country of origin and country of residence. If you are interested in a longer elaboration of this, I have shared some thoughts in The 3 levels of distance from home.
Or immigrants, if you would like to differentiate.
Not her real name.
Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.
I'm so happy to see another post connecting expatriation and DEI!
In fact, I started my Substack to advocate for this very cause — because living abroad teaches you, deeply, what it means to be the different one in the room.
Great interview! I’d never heard of “hygge racism” either. It’s a great term to describe how Danes often are very tolerant and inclusive, but selectively in a way immigrants can’t quite penetrate.