Long distance relationships
What makes them so hard and what you can do to make them work.
It has been a while since I wrote about a topic that was emotionally difficult to publish; the topic of long distance relationships hits too close to home. And as you can probably imagine, it is a topic that many expats are quite familiar with.
The trigger for this post? A good friend of mine is currently in such a relationship. Seeing him escorting his girlfriend to the airport woke up a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Some of them I have described -or tried to- in the airport paradox.
They will now need to wait for 2 months until they see each other. Talking from experience, that is a lot.
Define long distance
Just like with distance from home, the magnitude of the distance matters. Are you 2 hours away on public transport? Then it is not that much different than living in the same big city, but in distant neighborhoods. You can still meet without much planning involved. Anything farther than that, and it becomes difficult to spontaneously call your partner and say “I want to see you. Can I come over?”
Do you live a short flight away? Then you can still meet for a (long) weekend. Do you live on different continents? Then traveling for less than a week becomes almost meaningless; by the time you get used to each other’s presence, you ‘re gone again.
By long distance, I refer to any relationship that falls into the latter 2 categories, i.e. you cannot spontaneously pick up the phone and say “I am on my way”.
How do you end up in a long distance relationship?
If you live abroad, there are good chances that, when you decided to leave your home country, you were already in a relationship. Similarly, it might be that all the times that you were going back home, you met a friend of a friend and that led to a romance. Being an expat, it is also probable that you travel often, so it could be that you met someone at a neutral location. That means neither your home, nor your host country. Either way, the probability of being in a long distance relationship is increased among expats1.
By the way, I don’t like the term host country. I just use it to avoid confusion between country of origin and country of residence. I don’t like it, because it sounds as if you are a guest and the country is hosting you. For many of us, our host country is our second home. Feeling like a guest in your own home is a very awkward feeling.
Actually, it sucks.
Why does distance make relationships more difficult?
Because you will not call someone to recite all the conversations you had the previous night, when you were out with your friends and he/she was not there.
Because they are not integrated 100% in your life.
Because it is as if you are living two lives, that occasionally overlap. Not in the sense that you are a secret agent or that you lie to each other. But when you finally get to meet them again, you put the rest of your life on hold. And so do they. You want to spend as much time with them as possible and that means going out of your routine. You are not going to the gym that week. You might reject an invite for an activity, if your partner does not feel like joining. You will say no to guys/gals night out. Maybe you work from home more. It is as if you take a deep breath and you hold it while they are visiting. And when they leave, you are gasping for air, trying to get your life back on track.
If you want a short answer to why long distance relationships are hard, then all of the above is summed up in the following one line:
Because you miss out on all the small moments.
Hearing someone telling you “I wish you were here”, is not the same as actually being there. Starting a movie at the same time, so you watch it “together”, is not the same as cuddling on the couch before hitting play. Talking about your day over the phone, is not the same as describing it over coffee. And video-calling is not the same as being in the same room, even if no one is talking.
Adjustment period
Apart from the obvious difficulty of being far from each other, a long distance relationship comes with more challenges. One of them is costs. To keep it alive, you will have to meet as often as possible. That means taking a train/car/plane as frequently as possible.
Another challenge is getting to know the person every time, all over again. Not being part of each other’s routine creates an emotional gap. Since you last met, both of you have been evolving, only separately. You have been living your separate lives. The other person is left out of most of the details of your routine. That means that every time you meet, you need to take some time to crack the ice and understand how the other person has changed.
Both sides need to put some effort to remind each other why they are together. And also remind themselves. Feel each other and re-discover the reasons they fell for each other. It is a little bit like a dog who has to smell you first, to make sure it is really you; or Adam Sandler trying to win Drew Barrymore from scratch, every single day in 50 first dates.
Every time you stay apart, you grow a bit apart. And every time you meet, you start with a handicap: before the relationship moves forward, you first need to make up for the distance that was created while you were away.
What can you do to make a long distance relationship work?
Have a clear target. It doesn’t have to be accompanied by a detailed plan, but the target should be there and it should be clear.
We plan to both be living in Paris by the end of of the year, is a clear target. You might be examining multiple locations, but it is important to know when the long distance is going to end.
You need to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hope is not a plan2. And even though it is supposed to die last, it does eventually die.
Be prepared that your plan will most likely not work. That does not mean you should not have one. The purpose of a target is also to align expectations. If you and your partner agree on a target, it means that you both share the same views on the relationship. So if the plan fails, you can draft a new one, based on the same views -given that they still remain aligned.
Maybe you do not manage to be in Paris by the end of the year. However, if the intention still remains the same, you can start looking into what is the next realistic plan that will bring you to the same location.
Personal experience
I have been in two long distance relationships in my life. The first by accident, as it often happens. I started seeing a girl before I move out of Greece. We struggled for some time, but we could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had no intention of returning to Greece anytime soon; her profession was very much dependent on the Greek language. Recipe for disaster.
Being apart is one thing. Not being able to visualize when the long distance is going to end, is another. And it comes with a hefty psychological toll. Every time the conversation steered towards missing each other, or wanting to be together, there was dead silence. Both knew there was no solution.
Eventually, that killed the relationship. And that was for the best. We just did not want to admit, that this was not leading anywhere. Me being a student did not help either. I had to follow courses, so I could not travel whenever I wanted. Additionally, I could not afford to fly often. Similarly, she could not work remotely.
The second attempt
Most people who have tried a long distance relationship and failed, are wise enough not to try it again. Not this guy.
Luckily for me, I applied my own advice and it worked. After almost two years of flying back and forth and planning when (and where) the next meeting will be, we put an end to the long distance part, while still keeping the relationship bit.
It was not easy. It brought frustration from both sides. And we did have to put our lives on hold when one of us was visiting. No surprises there. However, having an agreed plan about when we would finally be in the same place, made a difference, at least for me. We had something to plan for, something to look forward to. It was not a desperate attempt to hold on to every little positive thing, hoping that things will somehow work out.
Did things turn out as planned?
No. But the fact that our target remained the same, even after the plan failed, meant that we just had to be patient and keep trying. Most credits for this go to Anna3, who was the one who moved, so we can be at the same place.
-The Naive Ignorant
Do you have any experience with long distance relationships? What do you think is the one thing that can help or kill the relationship?
Ok, I do not have a source for that, but isn’t it obvious enough?
The phrase has been used in multiple occasions in the past and I am not sure to whom it should be attributed. A few examples of it being used in US politics are mentioned here.
You might have already seen her alias being mentioned in the Road trip in the US.
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Spot on, it's all about the light in the tunnel. Well written, great post!
I've never heard that quote (hope is not a plan) but it's 100% fitting! I 'hoped' to go to japan to be with my long-distance bf at the time, all while not even studying japanese and as I was planning for a 3-year degree in Italy. He had all the rights to call it quits and did I learn? nahhhh. watch me enter another long distance relationship with a guy in England! Having a plan is applicable to in-person relationships too! But that's something people barely realise.